So a few months ago I wrecked my year old dream car. It was pretty devastating. Maybe even traumatizing. I’ve had scams calling about warranties on it but it was totaled. Ran over a branch that destroyed my engine. THUS I scream at them for triggering me. They keep calling, I keep going on with my triggering act. It’s super fun, I suppose.
I do the same with med bill people too. If they call and hang up on me, I call them back and waste their time like they wasted mine and say fucking dumb ass nonsense because they truly piss me off. Stop calling me 5 times a day everyday. It doesn’t make make the money flow faster, makes me wanna pay less and less each time. Fucking harassment.
BUT but but back to the car. I decided I wanted an old car. I am tired of ten years of various new cars and monthly payments. Went back to my roots, got a cash car and fixed it up. It’s so much cheaper than a car payment, even with working on it.
But literally the next day after driving around, I backed it up into a steep ravine. Had to get a tractor and truck to get it out. This may be a sign I shouldn’t be driving. But I don’t care. Imma keep driving. I never got in a accident with another car at least!!
It seems like even though people are seemingly getting more accepting of autistic individuals like myself…. It seems like no one likes an autistic meltdown… maybe like it the wrong word. No one likes it. I especially don’t. But it’s a part of being autistic. It’s not comfortable, I understand. But it’s not a reason to yell or get angry or question it. Just let the meltdown be and let it play out how it should… then it’s better!! But for real… don’t ask why I’m crying or telling me to overcome it. In a lot of ways, for me anyways, it’s rarely emotional. Sometimes it is, but usually I’m crying from overstimulation not anxiety or being sad. It’s hard to explain… Like I’ll want to cry from noise or even throw up… that’s just one example though but a common one. Lights and textures can do the same after a length of time. If I draw too long, my hand will feel like it’s burning from the paper… but same with rubbing my own skin or typing on a keyboard.
But this extends to voicing our needs. A lot of people can’t or won’t try to understand it. So they tell us we are too much or can’t do anything or complain all the time… No, I’m trying to communicate my feelings and needs to you. I’ve learned over my whole life, it seems like the only way to keep the peace and create happiness for other is not trying to seem like a burden whatsoever. Just go along with what they say or want, don’t complain even if you wanna meltdown… then they say they love you. IDK why I have to meet other’s needs but mine are too much but it seems like it’s the way it is.
I won’t scream and cry.
Because it bothers you so very much.
I don’t want to be yelled at again
I try to be quiet but the tears swell in my eyes.
I whimper random noises.
My face and head hurts.
I want to scream and cry even more now
I NEED to in order to get all those bad feelings out of me
It’s louder and more intense once the dam breaks.
And even though I tried so hard for you
You screamed at me for being even louder
than I would of been if I just let
my emotions escape the first time
But I really can’t blame you
You are reacting just like everyone else has.
It’s to be expected.
Sus playing games all the time <<< I wrote that as a note but I don’t know what it means. LMAO